cigs 'n' tampons

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the aisles.
The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.
He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.
She directs him down the correct aisle.
A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.
She says, confused, " Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?
He answers, " You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store
to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco
and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper.
So, I figure if I have to roll my own .......... so does she.

Testicles

A 3-year-old boy examined his testicles while taking a bath.
'Mom' , he asked , 'Are these my brains?'
'Not yet , ' she replied.

Testicles

A 3-year-old boy examined his testicles while taking a bath.
'Mom' , he asked , 'Are these my brains?'
'Not yet , ' she replied.

I was born two weeks overdue

I was born two weeks overdue as, despite the doctor's best efforts, all attempts to induce labour with my mum had failed. I was a lazy bugger (still am) and was determined not to be born. Eventually they decided to perform a Caesarean section on my mum due to me being 'in distress'. So out I came.

Unfortunately, being 'distressed', I had managed to shit myself just before birth, and therefore came out covered in some sort of revolting foetus-poo. I'm sure my parents were delighted.


Another shit-related story...my mum's a nurse and part of her job is collecting various samples from patients and making sure they get sent off to the right places etc. For a stool sample, you provide a patient with a plastic sample pot, they go off and do the business, and hand you back the pot with a *small* sample of shit in it to be tested. Simple in theory..

One patient was given a pot and asked to come back with a stool sample. However, she seemed to have misunderstood the word 'sample', and returned with a entire plastic pot totally packed full of shit, squashed down and levelled at the top. My mum was not impressed, but didn't want to say anything, as apart from anything else, it must have taken considerable effort to do!